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BTR Fanfic: Moving On

Title: Moving On
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Kendall/Logan
Summary: When Logan withdraws emotionally from the guys Kendall decides to get to the bottom of the situation. What he learns isn’t necessarily good news.
Author's Note: First fic I've ever written. Probably going to leave it as a oneshot but I do have ideas for how I would continue it so if I were to ever organize them there may be another chapter or two.

       Logan had been distant lately and Kendall couldn't stand it.

       It wasn't entirely uncommon for him to withdraw from James and Carlos from time to time, but he never put up a wall like this to Kendall.

       The boys of Big Time Rush were on their third concert tour, their first ever international tour, and while Kendall and the others were thrilled and eager to explore every city they visited, Logan more and more often opted to stay in the hotel room by himself. Kendall tried to talk to him about it more than once and each time the topic was approached Logan evaded the question or gave some lame excuse about being tired, but Kendall knew Logan too well. He could see the way he retreated behind his eyes, the way he did when he was thinking about something big that he didn't want to share. What hurt Kendall was that it was the first time Logan had ever treated him that way. That distant look was for people who weren't Kendall, people who weren't in that special part of Logan's heart where he would share anything. So when they got back to their suite late from their first rehearsal at the concert hall in Melbourne, and Logan once again left the boys in the living room saying he was going to bed early, Kendall followed him into their room, intent on getting some answers from the boy.

       The room was dark when Kendall walked in. He shut the door behind him as quietly as he could and turned around to see Logan standing with his forehead resting against their window, one hand lightly placed against the glass. Assuming that Logan was looking over the lights of the city, he approached the boy at the window, but when he reached Logan he saw that his eyes were shut as he stood there, apparently lost in thought, with his breath slowly fogging the cool glass.

       "Logan?" Kendall gently approached, reaching a hand out to his shoulder.

       "WHA-" Logan started and jumped away from the window, snapped violently from his reverie by Kendall's interruption. "Oh, sorry" Logan began. "I was just...thinking. Got a little wrapped up. What's up?"

       "That's what I want to know, Logan. Why have you been acting so weird lately?"

       "What do you mean?" Logan asked with a look of mild confusion.

       "The way you've been avoiding us and everything. You barely spend any time with me and the guys, you don't go out with us, you've been half-assing rehearsals, you don't say anything when we do interviews..." Kendall trailed off, hesitant to say what he was thinking.

       Finally he added "It's like you don't even want to be here anymore."

       And Kendall could see it before Logan even opened his mouth. The way he hid behind that mask that he apparently thought Kendall couldn't see through. "I've just been kind of tired lately, you know? It's stressful, doing all this traveling, and I think I might have some allergies here that are getting to me. I'm ok, really."

       "Logan, don't you think I can tell when you lie to me?" Kendall noticed a bit of an edge in his voice. He softened "Come on Logie, I know you. I can see that something's going on and you're not telling us. It's bad enough that you won't talk to James and Carlos about it, but I thought you knew you could always talk to me."

       Logan's face tightened a bit. "Kendall..."

       Kendall took Logan's hands and brought him over to sit on his bed. "Logan, please talk to me" He said as he brought a hand up to cup the nape of Logan's neck. "What's going on with you?"

       Logan met Kendall's eyes for a moment before looking away uncomfortably. Kendall waited patiently because he saw in Logan's face that he was close to letting it out, whatever it was. When Logan finally looked back at him Kendall could see the sadness in his dark eyes. Could see in his knit eyebrows and tight, thin lips that he was dreading telling Kendall what was on his mind. Kendall inclined his head toward Logan just a bit more and simply asked "Please?" and with that Logan finally opened his mouth, inhaled, and after one more moment's hesitation, finally spoke.

       "I want to go to med school"

       Kendall couldn't help but feel a bit cheated and annoyed by this "revelation" which was both common knowledge and old news. Dropping his hand from Logan's neck he spoke "I know, Logan. You've always wanted to go to med school when we were done with the whole boy band thing-"

       "You misunderstand me Kendall" Logan said, cutting him off as he apparently sensed the frustration in Kendall's voice. "I don't mean I want to go to med school some day, I want to go now." He looked into Kendall's eyes, waiting for a reaction. The implications of Logan's words took a few moments to sink in before Kendall realized what Logan was really telling him.

       "You don't want to be part of Big Time Rush anymore, do you?" he asked, and Logan shook his head sadly. Kendall brought his hand to rest between Logan's shoulders as he pulled him into an embrace. He could feel Logan begin to tremble and sob slightly and his words spilled out in an urgent whisper

       "I'm so sorry. I love being with you guys but I feel like I'm just putting my future on hold and I don't want to do it anymore" He pressed his face into Kendall's chest and clenched the fabric of the shirt tightly in his hand. "I'm sorry I haven't been putting my heart into it lately but I'm almost 21 years old now. I should already be well into my studies at this point and I just feel... like I'm behind. I should be making progress towards my dream but I'm not"

       Kendall placed a kiss on the top of Logan's head and rubbed his back, trying to calm him. "I never thought the band would last this long" Logan admitted to Kendall quietly. Then, even softer "I think I hoped that it wouldn't" he pulled his face away from Kendall's chest to look into his eyes. Kendall could see the guilt clearly marked on Logan's features "I know that's terrible because you guys love it so much and I shouldn't want to mess up your lives, and I don't. I really don't. That's why I've been trying to keep all of this out of my mind the last year or two, but I just haven't been able to bottle it up lately. I'm sorry I never confided any of this in you but I didn't want you to worry about me."

       "Logan, you know I want you to tell me stuff like this. I want to help you with anything that upsets you."

       "I know, Kendall" Logan said sincerely "That's why I couldn't tell you." he said as he dried his eyes. Kendall's confusion must have shown on his face because Logan went on to explain. "I know you. If I had told you this you would have been perfectly supportive and told me that the band didn't matter and I had to be true to myself and follow my dream, and I just couldn't let you do that" Kendall couldn't really say anything, because that was true. If Logan had brought these concerns to him he would have completely put the band aside to make sure Logan was happy. Even before they officially began their relationship, Kendall had always placed Logan's needs just a bit ahead of James', Carlos', and his own.

       "Well you know I'm going to say the same thing now" Kendall said, causing Logan to finally crack a smile "I know" Logan said with a small laugh "But I still don't think I'm quite ready to take your advice" he said, as the smile faded and he dropped his eyes to the floor. "Logan, you have to." Kendall said firmly, picking up Logan's chin and forcing the other to look him in the eye "You can't stay with the band when it's making you miserable like this"

       "Kendall, I'm not-"

       "Yes you are. You think you're so good at hiding it but we can all see it. I can't stand to see you like this any more. It's not good for you and..." he dropped his voice a bit lower and moved closer to Logan "...it hurts me to see you like this"

       Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall's waist, rested his head on his chest again, and was quiet for a while as Kendall gently rubbed his hand up and down Logan's back.

       Finally Logan spoke again "How can I tell them?" he asked softly.

       "They'll understand." Kendall assured him. "James might be upset at first but he'll come around."

       "What about Kelly and Gustavo though?" Logan asked, looking up at Kendall. "We're their only client right now and Gustavo was counting on us for his comeback. What if Griffin fires him because I break up the band?"

       "Logan, you can't worry about that. Besides, we've been a band for like, five years now. We've had three top 10 albums, three sold-out tours, and have done like, five-thousand product placements for RCM/CBT Globalnet Sanyoid products. I think we've brought in enough money and notoriety to keep Kelly and Gustavo employed for a while."

       "I guess so" Logan said, sounding unsure "I'm...I'm gonna miss them though" he said sadly. "I've been thinking about everything that giving up the band will mean and I don't want to have to say goodbye to them." Kendall hadn't thought about that part. He would miss them too, but the bottom line was that Logan wasn't happy anymore and he needed to be happy again. So long as Kendall looked at it that way, the decision was easy. "Yeah, I'll miss them too, but you know that med school is the right choice for you."

       Logan sighed and pulled away from Kendall as he sat up straight. He rubbed his eyes a bit to clear them as his tears had stuck his eyelashes together and looked at Kendall warmly. "Thank you, Kendall" he said with a gentle smile "I love you" Kendall pulled him into a tight hug, so thankful to finally have gotten to the bottom of the situation "I love you too, Logie. Let's go to bed, we can talk to Carlos and James in the morning."

       They didn't even bother changing, simply kicked off their shoes and lay down on Logan's bed. Logan curled into Kendall's arms and, for the first time in months, fell asleep with a peaceful mind.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
squoctobird
Dec. 14th, 2011 07:55 pm (UTC)
Awww poor Logie. So torn.

I hope you do continue this some. I would like to see everyone else's reaction and maybe even Logan adjusting to being away from everyone. Do what feels right though. Don't force it.
fiyero3305
Dec. 15th, 2011 01:02 am (UTC)
Thanks! I have a plan for Carlos' and James' reactions, the fans, and Gustavo & Kelly, it's just the actual sitting down and writing it (especially after almost a year since writing this) that's been difficult.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )